"What?" I ask stupidly.
"That's how old this system is," my friend says plainly.
"And which system is this again?"
"NES."
"How do you spell 'Ness'?" I ponder aloud, images of Loch Ness floating in my brain and know Marshall would be proud.
"N-E-S," she spells out. "Nintendo Entertainment System."
The screen is blank, she's rushing around switching cables, blowing into the games and [hopefully] knowing what she's doing. I'm sitting here typing this out on her waterproof keyboard, looking forward to playing Jeopardy!
I have a fondness for Jeopardy!, I mean who doesn't? Or rather, "What is 'who doesn't', Alex?" He's Canadian, you know. Or rather he was Canadian. He decided to switch over to the Dark Side, for reasons that are completely unknown to me and now he has the gall to label himself a Canadian-American. I don't have that much spite for his decision. I did once write a social studies paper about him. The assignment was "write about a famous Canadian" and I chose Alex Trebek. Obviously. That was in the tenth grade, now that I recall. I question the credibility of that assignment if I could get away with Googling a game show host and receive an A. I question you, Mr. Harris.
But I digress.
She's still fiddling with the grey box. And suddenly the screen is on with the huge title "ICE HOCKEY" staring back at me.
I wince and cower away. "I don't want to play Ice Hockey!"
"It was the game in there!" she retorts before switching out the game for a 1987 NES version of Jeopardy! I am so happy right now. The novelty will wear off shortly, but for right now, join me on this exciting ride.
"They used to give you nice long cords," she says, admiring the ancient controller with her last name Sharpied on the back of it. "Those were the days."
Those were the days. In 1987. Although I'm not sure what she's complaining about. She has several wireless controllers.
This is so old school, it's fantastic.
Now that I think of it, maybe my brother had a NES.
"Are you playing?" I yell across the blaring Jeopardy! theme.
"YUP!" she yells back.
Whoops. I did not click two players. "How do you go back?" I yell.
"You can't!" she screams back at me as she goes to the grey box and turns it off and on again, Roy-style.
"Would you like a new character?" Jeopardy! asks me.
"Yes!" I yell back. "OH MY WORD!" The options are hardly sexy and hardly attractive options considering my name is "Sexy".
As my friend keeps scrolling through the character options, we notice that the characters' skin pigmentation suddenly switches. Same outfits. Same hair. Different skin.
"Oh my goodness! You can choose different races!" Jeopardy!, you are far before your time. Or maybe not. The skin options are pink, yellow or brown. So, you know. It's a little uncomfortable and a little hilarious at the same time.
"And what are our categories, Alex?"
COM-POSERS. FOOD. AMERICA CITIES. ALL FOURS. FRIENDS. I GET AROUND.
I like that it's "America Cities", not "American Cities". My friend chides me that there just aren't enough pixels to go around.
Things I'm learning:
- Wedding cakes used to be broken over the heads of brides in Ancient Rome.
- "The Home of the Bean" or "The Cod" are names for the city of Boston.
- If someone offers you "schlag" on your dessert in Vienna, you need not be offended because it's just whipped cream.
- If I was ever on this show, I would be buzzer-happy in a pure rush of unrestrained excitement, and then often get things wrong or guess with very little knowledge backing me up.
- 4H stands for "Head, Heart, Hands and Health".
- "This late singer" means something quite different in 1987 than it does now. Elvis Presley apparently painted his Cadillac with diamond dust, but currently he would be known as long-gone.
Bitch got an answer! "This atypical plant comes from the genus triflorium." "What is four leaf clover?" And she's right. Way to go, Bitch!
Bitch got a Daily Double! And then proceeded to Google the answer. What a bitch. Good thing Karma bit her in the ass so she got the answer wrong. Muah ha ha.
Next round! "What are our categories, Alex?"
GEO-GRAPHY. TAKE A GAMBLE. ANIMALS. PATTERNS. ABBREV-IATIONS. SAY CHEESE.
Bitch got another Daily Double. And it'as a question about the Blitz. To which I think of Doctor Who and "Are you my mummy?" episode, which is one of the most terrifying episodes of all Doctor Who.
Second round, hubris really kicked me in the face. As did my trigger-happy finger. So I dropped down to $900 pretty quick as Bitch slowly rose up to $2200. I was able to get into the positives before Final Jeopardy – the instructions for which made us laugh out loud. "When entering these, other contestants must look away." Hilarious.
Bitch is the winner!
Seriously. I am enjoying this way too much.
Let us do this again. Sexy vs. Bitch. Otherwise known as Sexy Bitch.
(Also, we're getting our act together this time 'round with a camera on a tripod to catch the moments of glory.)
Categories: ARIZONA. COMICS AT HOME. FISH. 1 NAME ONLY. FAMOUS 4-SOMES (which we both thought said "Famous 4-scones"). *COM* ON.
Something I just found out. When I'm the brown nerd (not racist), my teeth are also brown. And when I win, I manically thumbs-up to the Bitchy player next to me. And when I lose, I nervously run my fingers through my hair. I say fingers, but the pixelation really only shows one thumb.
So this is what I've learned: my trigger-happy finger is the death of me. "The Israeli star of Fiddler on the Roof." Well, I got so excited about Fiddler on the Roof that I forgot I didn't remember Topol's name. So instead I wanted the chance to sing and dance "If I Were a Rich Man..." but no. That's not how this game works. I wonder if I could get away with that on Jeopardy! the show.
"Well, Alex. I don't actually know the answer, but might I dance for you?"
Not in a weird way.
There are many downsides to being Canadian in an American-game world. I wonder if that's why Alex defected.
Categories for the second round: WORLD WARS. TREES. WOMEN & SPORTS. WRITERS. STARTS WITH C. BEEN WARNED.
Apparently spelling doesn't matter, so have at "cornucopia" Bitch. And my score is my birth year. And she spelled "musketeers" as "muskiteers" and still got it right. I CALL FOWL!
What? WHAT?! Avocados are also known as "alligator pears"?! WHAT?!
Bitch is the winner. Again.
You disappoint me, Alex.
