Once again, I'm in the default colour and my friend is all exciting and blue or maybe turquoise. Cyanide! No wait, that's not a colour ... cyan?
Bird statue. What do I wanna do?
Save.
Really? I haven’t done anything. Oh, I moved barrels. Bloo-doo-doop-doo-doo-doop! [my attempt at the saving noises] This game is gonna take me all frickin' day.
It’s gonna be so awesome.
[a low voice in the game] "Heeeey!" What is calling me?
“Good morning Aimsters! Today’s finally the day of the long-awaited Wing Ceremony!” YOU’RE THE FOURTH PERSON TO TELL ME! “Are you feeling ready? Oh I just remembered. There’s something I’d like to ask you about. Look this way while pressing and holding Z and then press A to have a quick chat with me.” That’s … specific. “Excellent! Always remember, you can press Z to target something!” This is a weird conversation, professor! “Once you have targeted something with Z, you can easily talk to him or her by pressing A.” OR YOU COULD JUST HAVE A CONVERSATION! “Even when there isn’t anything to target, pressing Z is an easy way to quickly face your view forward.” Or … stop talking to me you weirdo. “But it’s a little silly to carry on a conversation from this distance, why don’t you just come join me up here?” So you can murder me? “You should be able to climb up if you DASH up to the top of the wooden box, don’t you think?” Is that a euphemism? “Move while holding A to dash. You should be able to make that dash fairly easy. Try climbing up here!”
I just noticed that instead of spikes on top of those bars there, they’re birds.
Oh my gash. Overkill, Skyloft! What am I doing?
Remember how you ran? Go over to the bird statue and face the blocks and then hold A and then just run at them.
Oooooookay. Oh.
You have to be closer. Yeah. Parkour parkour.
Parkour parkour. Okay. Let’s do this. [background of Link’s grunting noises]
“So what do you think? Using A to dash is useful, isn’t it?” Shut up, you weird Avatar! “However, you dashed around so much that you tire yourself out. Your stamina gauge will empty and you will be out of breath and it will turn a blood orange colour.”
“It’s best to take a little break when your stamina gauge gets empty.” Seriously, he looks like one of the Avatar things.
He does.
“Got all that? Onto the next point!” I wonder if he puts on makeup to cover up the blue.
He’s tall enough.
Like he’s a refugee from the Avatar land … I haven’t seen Avatar. “You can jump a short distance like this just by moving toward it! I like to call it… THE AUTO JUMP!” Ah yes, Auto Jump. Good times. I remember this one time in band camp in Avatar land, we were playing the pan flutes and this one little [bongo] … okay. What am I doing?
Hold in A and run toward that ledge.
Am I gonna miss it?
Well, it depends on if you aim yourself properly. AIM-sters.
Ha-ha-ha-ha. I don’t get it.
That talk bubble above his head means you have to talk to him again.
Ugh. “So what are you up to? Rushing to get some last minute bird-riding practice?” BIRD RIDING? “Oh, you have someone to meet? Ah, Zelda’s waiting for you isn’t she …” How do you know this, creepy professor? Is that professor a man or a woman?
A man.
Pretty low cut shirt for a man. “You see Zelda’s father, headmaster Gaepora” … GAY-pora? Like Gay-org?
[For years I thought Captain Von Trapp's first name was Gayorg. It's not. It's Georg.]
Kaepora Gaebora is the name of the owl. So they combined his names and made Zelda’s father Gaepora.
“...has a pet named Mia and, well, she scampered off again.” This is really exciting news, professor! “Look! There she is! Over there, do you see her?” HOW DO YOU SEE THAT? There are two roofs and she’s on top of a flat roof like … so many feet above you. This doesn’t make any sense. “The headmaster is so busy working with Zelda for the Wing Ceremony, I thought that maybe I should feed her.” Zelda? “But the ceremony is about to start.”
Mia.
“And I just put on a fresh set of clothes and, well, you see, will you help me out and go retrieve Mia for me?” Why not. “Fantastic! So you’ll do it?!" Question mark, exclamation mark?! “I know you’re in a hurry, but I really appreciate you taking the time to help.” I’m a very helpful person! And I’m counting up all these favours for other people so that I can get it back. “I’m terribly sorry but I know you’re quite the climber. I really do appreciate it.” I’m gonna fall off the roof.
Okay, so, you’re going to run at …
Can’t I just go through a door?
No.You’re gonna run at that ledge, no no no, to the right, against the wall.
What?
See there’s that ledge?
Oh, that one.
Yeah, you’re gonna run at it, okay, move to the left.
[Burst of laughter at the sight of Link shimmying his way from roof to roof. It was a weird laugh. I'd never heard myself laugh like that before. It was a little embarrassing. Again, this video will be shared with no one.]
Keep moving, now shake your right hand. Hurry … you have to keep moving, and shake. Okay let go. Let your stamina fill up.
Running and jumping?
Yup.
Oh, I missed! [Flipflopping handbaskets]. Not worth it.
No, you need to rescue Mia.
Ugh. [Link grunting] Whoa, whoa. No! Umm… [ship] monkeys! I just smashed into a window ledge. Why did I agree to this?
You’ll get it.
Will I? Why am I so close? [Link grunting] Herp hup!
He’s so attractive.
ARGGHHH! I completely missed! [Floating herbivores]! It’s going to take me an hour to get up and save this damn bird.
It’s a cat!
Oh, I thought it was a bird. I missed!
You don’t think a bird could fly?
Well, I thought it was an injured bird. Why’d I just do that? [stern look of concentration on my face] Okaaaay Aimsters.
Yay!
I did iiiiiiit.
[Link grunting.]
[Link panting.]
[Future Amy feeling uncomfortable with the noises.]
Is this far enough away?
Yeah.
Is that straight?
Not quite.
Like that?
No, see you’re tilted to the right a little.
Like that?
It’s easier if you start from further back. And you’ll have time to readjust your course. Now press … just run it.
Okay. Now what?
Climb up the vines. So you kind of run at the wall and … there you go. And you can shake to jump forward.
“Heeeey!” Uggggh. What! Who’s talking to me? What are you ... You can’t even see me! How do you see the bird [correction: cat]? This is classic you not being able to see the bird [cat]. This viewpoint right here. [Armpit]. Okay I get it. Stop it. I don’t care. Is that where I want to move it?
All the way to the wall.
Yeah, but … [Link grunting] Okay. Now I just.
Step away from it and then run up it.
Run up it?
Yeah, with A.
[cat’s meow] Can I throw this weird cat?
Yeah, throw it off the edge, though.
See you, cat! [waving Wiimote in the air] I wanna throw it!
Oh, maybe it won’t let you. You’ll get an opportunity to later.
“Aimsters! Stop throwing the cat! You still don’t get it?”
[I try throwing it again.]
“Aimsters! You still don’t get it?”
[Try throwing again.]
“Aimsters!”
How many times are you going to do this?
Ahhh, so many. What do I do?
Bring Mia …
And jump off the edge?
Yup. You have no problem jumping off of roofs. To the right.
“Nice work, you’ve brought her back safe and sound!” You were just yelling at me like two seconds ago with your weird vision that can see everything, you creepy avatar.
I like that he’s got Mia on his belt.
Oh my goodness, he does! You are strangely attached to this cat. “Sorry for troubling you with this ... I know you’re busy!” Why do you have such a problem feeding this cat? Do you have to like kill a bird to feed it or something? “Please tell the headmaster that we found his pet! He should be up by the statue of the goddess!” So I wanna go there.
Yeah.
Hey look, stairs! “I believe Zelda is there with him, so you should hurry along!” I don’t like her. Why do people make me like her? What’s this? “You got a stamina fruit!” What’s that thing? Do I want to talk to it yet?
If it’s got a thing above its head, yes.
WHOA! “Morning Aimsters, how’s life? Did you manage to get an even wink of sleep last night?” That’s not even a phrase. That doesn’t make any sense you weird French Jean Claude Van Damme type thing with elf ears and a mustache that goes up around the nose in a U shape. [In a sultry voice] “Figured you might’ve been tossing and turning all night thinking about the big ceremony today.” Is it weird when I say it like that? [sultry voice again] “What am I doing? Oh, just fixing this gate here.” He’s not wearing a shirt above his belt. [sultry voice] “It’s been squeaky lately. Know what I mean? And we can’t have that on the day of the ceremony.”
He’s got a wife and daughter.
...Ladies. “Hey you haven’t already forgotten to send your prayers to the goddess this morning.” Why when he said “send your prayers” did he do a Thor hammer punch to his hand? “Just face the bird statue over there and say a short prayer to save your progress.” Really? [sultry voice] "As you know those bird statues are all over Skyloft and blah blah blahblahblahblahblahblah ... Hey-hey-hey-hey!” Hey-hey-hey-hey! Oh, fruit. Where’s that bird?
You don’t need to. You already did it.
I don’t think I’m even walking on the stairs. Or maybe I am. [sound of footsteps] I really like my exercise! I like being so fit! I could not do that in real life. I’m all about the fruit! I have to pee.
You can’t until the cinematic scene is over.
I’m waiting for Mufasa to hold up Simba and all the elephants go “ooooh-aaaahhh!” [I'm not great at the elephant noises. You might've guessed.]
Sorry you’re just going to get a little bit of a love story.
SHE’S THE WORST! Oh, brother … can I skip this?
Nope.
[big sigh] This is painful.
[Zelda singing]
Can I pee?
No, you have to watch this.
I don’t want to.
You have to.
[Zelda giggling] She’s a giggler? “Flam-fleem-fla-floo-flee. I’m glad to see my loftwing got you out of bed.” Your what? Is that a euphemism? “I was pretty sure you’d sleep in and forget to meet me this morning. You’re pretty unreliable.” [Zelda giggles] “But look at this instrument! And look at this outfit! They’re mine to use today in the ceremony since I’ll be playing the role of the goddess. I don’t care about you and your weird pants ... Aren’t they beautiful? Especially this instrument!” Why does she keep showing him her instrument? “They tell me it’s just like the one the goddess is said to have in the legends.”
Maybe it has importance to the game!
Maybe! I can’t stop staring at it apparently. “It sounds gorgeous too.” They forgot a comma. “I asked father about it and he said it’s called a HARP.” Harp. Harpy! “Look at these clothes! I made this wrap myself and we get to use it in today’s ceremony!” How many times does the ceremony get mentioned? You could make a drinking game out of how many times they say ceremony and be plastered before you even have time to save with a bird. “I got up early this morning because I wanted you to be the first to see me like this, Aimsters!” Why would you get up early if you know he sleeps in? “How do I look?” she says. To which I respond: “Uhhh really? You know, maybe it does look a little weird.” Ha-ha! Made her feel insecure. “Ah, there you are Zelda. Are you all prepared for today’s… CEREMONY?”
[I go to the bathroom and return from the bathroom. You may find it odd that I kept this detail in here, but it's important for the following interaction.]
First of all, your toilet paper dispenser is broken.
No it’s not!
Yes it is! I tried extending it. That’s what she said. Second of all, Link. I at least know how to use a toilet! Because you pull your pants down before you use it!
It is broken.
I told you!
How’d that happen?
“Oh, hello father!”
You’re going to love his face.
Is it anything like creepy Gaston’s face?
Just wait.
I see a hand. “Ah, Aimsters. you're here too. Outstanding!” WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FACE? He’s got a unibrow the shape of a harp. Is anyone else recognizing the fact that his unibrow is the exact shape of the harp? “It’s encouraging to see you up so early given your capacity for sleep.” How annoyed is Link? “And no doubt today’s CEREMONY…” So everyone has mentioned the ceremony and/or his sleeping in.
“You’ll get to participate in the post race ritual with Zelda,” unibrow dad says. Really? “Father, I don't know if he can do it!” This is awkward. Look how awkward Link is. Oh man. “And even when he’s riding his loftwing, he’s just lazily gliding around probably daydreaming.” What a [banshee]! Is this because I told her her outfit was “Uhhh …”? “I don’t know what he’s thinking! He’s going to have to be in perfect control of his bird to win today.” Yeah, be in control of your bird, man.
“Hmm…” says her unibrow dad. “You see Aimsters and his loftwing share a special connection. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.” It’s like they’re married. Sorry, Zelda. He’s an interspeciesist. “He is but one half of a pair.” And you’re not Link’s other half. His bird is. It’s like a guy being really into his car. “We’re only made whole by our loftwings! ... Ahhh, but the first meeting between Aimsters and his loftwing was extRAORdinary! Look at my unibrow ... Blah blah blah ... boy and his bird share a profound connection…” Link’s like, “Why am I hearing about this again? You guys are the worst!” And she’s all, “I wish I was the bird!”
“The little boy just hopped on his bird and gracefully flew away without even a moment of instruction. They were meant for each other.” MFEO. “And judging by how jealous you were that day, I think the friendship with his bird didn’t go unnoticed by you, m’dear. As you keep staring at him. With your square eyes.” She’s got square eyes. Rhombus-ish. Weird eyeliner placement! You’re supposed to get right on the lash line ... So unibrow man talks with a “hoo-hoo” laugh?
Yeah, he’s an owl basically.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo. Hoo. Did he just fall asleep? “Blah blah blah, knights of skyloft!” Remember: cleanliness is next to knightliness!
You’re getting it!
I’m remembering. “If Aimsters doesn’t fly fast enough during the race, he/she will die. And shemale, I’ll miss him/her.” She is high-strung. Also, she doesn’t understand ponytails. Ponytails go at the nape of the neck, it’s not like the bottom chunk of the ends that you just wrap together! What good is that doing? Her single-browed dad says, “Honestly it’s like you become a completely different person when you worry about Aimsters.” ‘Cause she’s bipolar! *Sheepish look away.* "I don’t understand ponytails ... You better fly your heart out today! At the very least you could squeeze a little practice time in before the race!” She is such a nag! And now she’s just dragging him by the hand? Do you want to be the Zelda in this scenario? Do you want to be the nag to this poor guy who doesn’t know how to talk because you keep interrupting him? And then you push him? Is this your dream?
I don't want to be Zelda. I like Link.
“You can’t sense your bird out there? Hmm? Hmm? Oh, I get it. You’re trying to weasel out of having practice. Nice try. But you’re not fooling me!” Push! Push him off! Off you go. [Link falling] Is this that awkward moment when the bird doesn’t show up? Come on, Lord of the Rings eagles! We need you! To save us at the last moment even though you could’ve just flown us to Mordor right away. “Hmm. His bird sure is taking a long time. Something’s wrong!” Did she just jump off, too?
Yep.
Does she have a parachute?
No! See, her belt matches his collar, for her to hang onto.
Oh, I see. “Hang in there Aimsters! I’ve got you! Sorry for pushing you off when you were clearly not prepared to do so because you knew something was wrong because you were staring into the sky every time we looked at you because you couldn’t find your bird!”
“Are you two alright?” unibrow man asks. Your daughter is crazy, sir. Lock her up. “I didn’t mean to push you so hard!” Zelda says. Do you think pushing him less hard would have not made him fall off into the sky?
No, no no. She means the bird.
Ohh. Oh, she’s not even apologizing to Link. “That’s very odd, Aimsters. What could have possibly happened to your loftwing? For a bird to ignore the call of his master, it’s unheard of!” What if the bird is like, “Ehh, I’m taking a break and I really just wanted some downtime and …” No, I can’t sense my bird nearby, Mr. Unibrow. “Wing ceremony is about to start!”
Zelda finally apologizes. “Aimsters, when you said you couldn't sense your loftwing, I should've believe you and, well, I’m sorry.” Apology not accepted! “I need to tend to my own loftwing so I’ll catch up with you later.” Still. Apology not accepted. Shut up, weirdo. Also, his legs are so tiny! The headmaster’s legs do not make any sense.
Because he looks like a bird!
Yeah, but his face looks like a harp!
Join me again whenever I get around to spending an evening watching a video of myself and transcribing the ridiculous things my friend and I say.
