Saturday, 22 March 2014

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword on Wii, part one of a two hour transcription

So, I decided that since it would be difficult for me to play Skyward Sword on Wii and also type out this particular entry, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to record myself talking through the game and then transcribe it. Genius! Of course this is the best option! ...The only problem is that means I have over two hours of webcam footage (which the world will never see because zombie-playing on Wii is not a look that should be broadcast) that I now have to listen to and write out. It takes a while. Also, in writing it all out again, I have learned that I have a very short attention span when thinking aloud. I promise I'm not an idiot, but you may get that impression from reading the following dialogue between myself and my gamer friend. For the sake of reading ease, I've put my friend in this italicized fun colour and left me the reliable default. I apologize for the length of the idiocy you may or may not choose to read. And for the record, this bit is only the first twenty minutes of me playing. Feel my pain. 

[Choosing my character name, an activity that I now know takes some time no matter what game I play.] More!? More characters. I do love me a semi-colon, but, ampersand for the win! Divided by… almost sounds like provided by. You know? Almost. Hey that’s a … flat … sharp! I don’t remember music signs. Cents, euro, pound, yen… Registered trademark? A whole bunch of letters I don’t know. Those are your Greek alphabet. I don’t care! Aaaaand question mark! Okay. [Main titles pop up:] There are red trees. I’m going to describe what I see. Weird leaves… This could be Pan’s forest island thing. You do realize you’re going to have to listen to this again. Why? Well because this is your notes. You’re going to have to listen to your— Oh this! I thought you meant the game. No, I’m fine with listening to myself because I don’t have a weird voice. Just sound like my sister! It’s totally fine. It went black and there was a monster. And red like James Bond movies. The title, that is. Not the monster. Don’t think there are any red monsters in James Bond. That wasn’t even the title; that was just celebrating the 25th anniversary. We should probably record me talking about a James Bond movie. Yeah! [To fill you in, dear reader, we've gotten into a habit of watching old James Bond movies so I can make fun of them. To sum up: there are a lot of battles in places there shouldn't be battles – like in outer space or under water.] Red bird! The collar… do birds have collars? Necklaces! It should be hanging a bit more, unless it’s flying SO FAST that it’s plastered against its chest. Hey look! It’s Asgard!

They have a reason. They have a reason? Yeah. It would be so embarrassing if one bird didn’t show up and that person just dove expecting to land on their bird and then the Lord of the Rings eagles didn’t show up. You know the ones that just save everything. Yeah. It’s so peaceful! ...Holy [shenanigans] those are big birds! I guess they did jump on them… Is this when Harry Potter gets his letter? Yeah. From the owl? Yeah. So when it leaves this magical realm and enters the world’s magical realm, does it turn into an owl to blend in? Yes. Do you notice all the bird statues? Yeah. I know, but they’re not owls. They’re some weird toucan. They basically look like it. They do not look like owls! Have you seen an owl? Yeah but, oh, you don’t know Zelda birds then. I don’t know Zelda birds. I don’t know Zelda anything… [sings] That person looks awkward! I’m uncomfortable! In Ocarina of Time, and other games, too, you have this owl companion and he’s so annoying and Zelda’s dad and the teachers look like owls— “Rise, Aimsters! The time has come for you to awaken!” …They all look like owls? Yeah, just wait until – they look like birds. You know what it’s rising like? [gestures to TV] What? A Marxist regime. [This is a look into the kind of priceless humour we share. When we were making waffles one time, I asked why there was so much baking soda in the recipe, and my friend told me it was because the waffles needed to rise like a Marxist regime and then she doubled over laughing.] [airily dramatic] “You are fated to have a hand in a great destiny.” That’s some bad syntax, guys. “And it will soon find you!” [gibberish] “The time has come for you to awaken!” ... Is that what Aimsters is? In whatever language this is? … I’M A MONSTERRRR! This person looks Scandinavian. In his garb. He can have a pet reindeer. Okay… that bird just completely attacked… me. Is that me? Yeah. He just threw me on the ground. What a [bunny]. Also, could’ve landed on the bed, bird. You were an inch away from the bed, but instead I’m hanging half off the bed, ya [banjo] … What kind of [shawarma-y] pillow is that? This bird is the worst! Also, its feathers have got to be bigger than that. That bird is massive. I’m wearing a lot of eyeliner. “Hey sleepyhead, I know how much you like to sleep in so I’m guessing this letter would be your alarm clock this morning. Did I guess right?” What kind of [punk-armed benchwarmer] is writing this letter? Zelda! “Rise and shine, Aimsters! Today’s the Wing Ceremony! You promised to meet me before it staaarts! Remember?” She is clingy. She’s even clingier in this than she was in Legend of Zelda when she was like on my tail, walking around. “You better not keep me waiting!” Nagging [buffalo]. I can’t use this language when I actually post this.
[As you can see, I chose to replace my language with other fun words. Enjoy the censorship.]
[sighs] I’m wearing so much eyeliner, it hurts. [Time passes. Things are mumbled. Back to the "action"...] What’s happening? ...Gear? … Help. Plus… minus… Okay. Left hand. [dutifully put my left hand up] Throttle. Whoa! Heh-heh-heh! ...I’m just running around the room. Window! … It looks like I’m moonwalking into the wall. Am I wearing Ugg boots? I’m pretty sure I am! Is this where Ugg got their idea?
Yeah. Running! Plants! Go to your cupboard and press A. There’s a lot of [shark shoes] in that cupboard. “You found a blue ruby! It’s worth five rupees! Better drop it in your wallet for now!” How.. how big is my wallet? Is it like a Time Lord’s wallet? Yeah. Where it’s bigger on the inside? Yeah. Yussss! So in this game when I want to reach something on the top shelf do I still have to run into the bookshelf? Yeah. But you can’t. But I want that weird bird! So I can smash it. You can get quite a bit of exercise [running in circles]. This is quite a bit room. That rug is bigger than my bed. That pillow is ridiculous. You’re making Zelda wait as you do laps around your bedroom. I know but this is… I need to get … why do I have such girly pots? Do you think Link really dressed his room? Or do you think Zelda did? Zelda’s been in his room? Umm. They live in the same building. So she just sneaks in and puts flowerpots in his room? What kind of psycho[bullwinkle] is this? ...I really like running in circles. I noticed. “Keep your sleeping quarters tidy!” Keep your face tidy. Did Zelda decorate this place with flowers, too? Flowers… flowers… It looks like Rapunzel painted it. Do I want to go to those rooms? I’m going to let you explore for a while. What is happening? I want a better view of what… okay. I did not see what he was doing. All I saw was a pointy eared thing. What is it doing!? Leave the barrel alone! [And so I meet Fledge.]
“Good morning, Aimsters. Today’s the big wing ceremony, right?” Stop reminding me. “I wanted to fly, too, but I… I didn’t make the cut. So I’m stuck back here at the academy.” That’s because you look like a [blarney stone]. Just because he’s got so much blush on! But it’s like symmetrically circled, like he’s dressing up as a doll for Halloween. Also, his scarf is weird. Also, look at his pants! “Plus I’ve gotta move these barrels to the kitchen!” I’m glad you're not coming, weird eyes. Okay, now there’s two ways you want to dispose of pots. I’m exercising! Deadlifting! Now throw it. Pick it up and put it down. Now turn around. Now put your Wiimote down, but it has to be straight down, and then bowl it. So you have two ways to dispose of pots. Can I hit that guy? [After some trial and error, my good friend teaches me how to throw pots at my new cowardly friend's head.] Heh-heh-heh, I scared you! “Oh thanks, I didn’t think you had time to help me out, Aimsters.” I was just throwing pots around the room! “Really? Thanks, okay, soo… I love you… I need you to carry one of these BARRELS over to the old lady who works in the kitchen.” The reason I said ‘barrels’ like that, me in future, is because it’s highlighted red. Old lady, hey? “We’ll get in huge trouble if any of these barrels break. So don’t even think about throwing or rolling them.” Did you not just see me throwing pots around the room? You have to watch your stamina. You might have to put the barrel down. Press A. Now wait for your stamina to fill back up. The stamina looks a lot like a lime cut in half. You’ll also notice that she is very bird-like. Now just put it in front of her. Put it down. Talk to her. Oh, she’s terrifying. “Oh, Aimsters. You’re delivering something for me. That was supposed to be Fledge’s job!” Yeah, he’s a punk. “Anyhow, just bring the BARREL here, yes here.” I already brought it! You have to bring the other one now. Oh. [And so begins a very exciting session of me moving barrels from the hallway into the kitchen. Are you riveted yet, dear readers?] What happens if I run out of stamina? You get exhausted. Can I try it? Yeah. I hope it doesn’t break the barrel, though. You might want to do it after. Just put it down for now. Talk to her. Why? Because, you just delivered to her. “Oh Aimsters….” You have to move them closer to her. Can I put them on her? “What’s all this? I thought I told Fledge to carry that. It’s probably for the best. That skinny boy would probably have gotten flattened. Say, don’t you have some important ceremony or some such today. Humph! Well, thanks for the help!” "Ha-yoooy!" I wonder how I’m going to type that out. Okay, if you want to run faster, hold in A. Once again, here’s your stamina bar. I’m going to try and get exhausted! So. Future me, listening to this, when you run out of stamina, the lime turns into a blood orange and your shoulders hunch like you're an awkward tall girl in middle school. [to my friend] Do you want me to go up these stairs? [Found another door. And things got weird.] What’s this room? The restroom! This is awkward. 

Can you actually go to the bathroom? You can sit! This is awkward. 'Cause your pants are still on, Aimsters. You realize you’re going to [soil] yourself. [flushes] You shat yourself! Uhh that’s so disturbing. Here’s the thing, even though it’d be disgusting if it were accurately portrayed, I still have problems with the fact that he’s wearing his pants. [flushes] How many times did he go? Also, I did not see a flusher. Do they have plumbing here? If they have plumbing, where’s the sink… oh, there it is. “Clean hands are happy hands!” You know what else is happy? NOT [SHATTING] YOUR PANTS ON THE TOILET! A broom? How much of a mess do you people make?! That you need a giant broom and a wash bucket. You’re supposed to go on the toilet! Not in your pants and then trudge around the room! Ugh.. sickos. See in Majora’s Mask, which is the one that comes after Ocharina of Time, they invented a new character and his name is several question marks in a row and he’s a hand that comes out of the toilet and asks for paper, and you give him paper and then he disappears. Does he time his hand coming out of the toilet with you not being on the toilet? He only comes out at night. Yeah, but what if you have a midnight pee break! Awkward! Know what else is awkward? The fact that I came out of the bathroom and Fledge is staring at me. You’re a weirdo, man! Do people fall off the edge of this falling island in the sky? Yes. Okay. It’s called Skyloft, future me. Which sounds like a kind of real estate in Vancouver. Right beside Sudden Valley. Bird statue!

Tune in next time I get around to transcribing more of that glorious video. And then tune in again in the future when I get around to transcribing an hour of me playing Chrono Trigger.

Part two!

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