Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Chrono Trigger for SNES and the time I forgot to save

This time I tried I different tactic. Instead of taking a humiliating video of myself playing Wii with a stupid look on face that will never see the light of day, I decided to simply talk through it and record everything my friend and I say on my handy dandy phone. That way I just had to transcribe it instead of rewatching my embarrassing self and transcribing it. 

My friend, however, is still disappointed at my progress. She really wants me to be able to enjoy the full story arc of a game but I never make it to a point in any game where that's possible. I always either (a) die early or (b) move onto another game so I can write about it. Even after the handful of video games that I've played, gaming doesn't hold a lot of spare-time appeal for me. I'd rather read a book or watch a movie or bingewatch an entire season of something on Netflix. 

The solution to this problem, then, lies in me watching her play the game. But that won't happen for a bit, so for now you can enjoy that time I played Chrono Trigger and forgot to save the game. Whoops.

Oh yeah, and you can enjoy – once again – my [self-censoring].

This is Chrono Trigger. There is something  presumably the main character  with spiky red hair that kind of looks like a pineapple. Reminds me of Legend of Zelda. There’s something with fire and volcano and something. That’s a creepy castle. Creepy tower. GARGOYLE! Moon. Bats. Moon. Why are the clouds behind the moon? That’s impossible. Something is happening. Apparently there is a king frog? That squashes things? Is that what you just said?

Yeah. It’s called Frog Squash. It’s an attack.

Okay. So I’m going to be sat on at some point. I guess that’s great. We are … driving? Luging. Skeleton! Olympic sports! Controller! Sun Chips! I’m eating Sun Chips! People are running! She’s got a high ponytail. What’s happening? Am I supposed to click something?

Yeah, the middle one.

Clicking. Clicking.

No? Try A or B.

A pendulum is swinging. As all pendulums do. And apparently the sea of Chrono Trigger is just like three quarters of that of that pendulum circle. Do I want to be active or wait?

You want to wait.

“Enter your name! And then push the start button.” What name … should I have … today? A … I’m going to spell “Amy” fancily. Oops, I don’t want that. How do I go back? B?


I figured it out! Aha!

You have now used the old style controllers for long enough to know that B is the back button.

And then I hit start? I hit start! This reminds me of something that I played once that isn’t this at all, but that’s okay. Are those balloons popping? Are guns being fired off? Is this a hot air balloon party? But seriously … is this a hot air balloon party? There’s a ship and a dock, similar to Firth on the Forth, which is where I spent my time in Scotland. For half a day. Aimee! A-ee-mee. “Aimee! Good morning Aimee!”

Mom: “Come on sleepy head! Get up!” Mom has green hair, so that’s normal. Is that a cat? “You were so excited about the Millennial Fair, you didn’t sleep well did you? Dot dot dot question mark. I want you to behave yourself today.” Do all stories start with a parent or parent figure getting you up in the morning? Is that because most gamers still live with their parents? The cat followed the mom, now I guess I have to follow the cat. But I want to type something! There’s a typewriter! But I can’t touch it. Also, the placement of the bed is ill-conceived. The head of the bed is up against the desk where the typewriter is sitting, so I’d have to sit on the headboard to type which doesn’t make any sense because the headboard is presumably taller than the desk. When it could have gone over here and that desk could’ve gone in like an L shape against that book case or even against that wall. Man, I could do so much with this room! Morons.

There’s a fridge and a sink. “Finally!” This is mom talking. “By the way, that inventor friend of yours dot dot dot uh you know. Oh dear, I’ve forgotten her name.” That’s pretty [beachy], mom.

Oh great.

No, don’t worry. It’s “Mando.” My phone auto-corrected your name to Mando this morning.

I was going to say, most people put me as Marley.

“That’s right, Mando! Don’t forget – she invited you to see her new invention. Run along now! And be back before dinner.” There’s a bag of apples on the ground? Toaster. Four slice toaster. These people are fancy. But they only have two elements on their stove. The mom is not doing anything in the kitchen.

She’s doing dishes!

No, she’s not, she’s not moving anything. She’s just hailing the sink and then she moves over and hails the counter and then she hails the sink. Also, can she not just reach the counter – does she have to move three steps? From sink to counter space? This is not a good plan, mom. Come on, cat. Let’s get out of here. Where do I want to go?

To where the balloons were released. Ohh wait, maybe you have to go to Lucca’s house. Go down on that bridge. Just explore. There’s like items and stuff you have to get.

Ticket office?

No, not there.

What am I doing on this bridge? Oh wait, sorry, this is not a bridge. This is a dock. I got it! I got it! … This?

Yeah, that’s Lucca’s house.

Mando’s house, you mean. So this house looks terrifying. How is this a house? This looks like a discarded bookstore. There’s a really big table with only one chair. Come on people.

Go through that door.


Also, you can make him move faster.



Maybe I like his easy pace. Oh, I guess two element stoves are common in this world. Breakfast? That’s a boring kitchen. What are these giant … things that look like gun powder barrels?

Lucca’s an inventor.

So she has barrels of gunpowder? Hey, blue hair. “Oh hi Aimee. Mando’s off at Leene Square with her father Taban unveiling their new invention.”

Oh, never mind you don’t have to be there.

Well, this is a waste of my [frogging] time!


Come on, cat! Wait, did I lose my cat in a barrel of gunpowder?

You left your cat.


Most people don’t take their cats to town with them.

Well, some weirdos do.

Yes they do. But not Crono.

Also, I feel like I’m too big for this city. You know?

If they made you proportionate, you wouldn’t be able to see yourself on the map.

Well … hey look, a sheep? That looked like a sheep.

It’s an answering machine!

That’s a weird-[ash] answering machine. This is my first time exploring, I’d like future self to know. “Did you know about our establishment?” No. “This is the Mayor's Education Centre! Think of it as a workshop for beginners. You can take the things you find here. Please! Rob us!” Can I take that pretty lady? Do I need a brief weapons and items seminar?

Do you know how to use your weapons and items?


Then probably yes!

Arrggh. Why are you making me be independent with this gaming?

Because I’m doing dishes!

“Weapons include: swords, bows and guns. Some weapons can only be used by specific party members. You’ll find a variety of armor for the head and body. Finally, swords will inflict greater damage. Bows and guns will get more powerful as your hit rate increases!” Aka have good aim.

Just check if you can plunder them. There might be stuff upstairs. Yeah, there you go. There’s a chest.

Treasure chest!

Now you’ll have to talk to that old man.

Found a hundred Gs! What’s a “G” short for?


Oh. I was thinking Geld. Gelder. Gelden.

Probably why they called it Geld.

I’m going to talk to this sparkly person.

You’re not talking to the sparkly person, you’re talking to that little kid there. 

“Throughout this world are places you can save your game!” Okay, really? That’s it. Oh, is that it?

Yeah. That one won’t function. The sound didn’t go.

You have a broken save-game option, random sir, with your weird vest and your Eddie Murphy red outfit. Oh look! A treasure chest. I got a tonic! Where’s my gin? Also, that weird pink-haired girl is not moving at all. Where now?

Just head out to the balloon area. Let’s get things going!

Alien! Alien! Cat – my cat! Or does everyone have cats? “Welcome to the Millennial Fair. Have fun!” Thank you, random person who looks like they have a brain on the outside of your head. What’s happening?

So, those guys are in a race. You get to bet on it.

Wait, where? These cats?

Now, talk to that man in the tent – the blue tent there, while they’re still standing.

“Last round’s winner, GI Jogger. Guess the winner.” What?

Guess who’s going to win the next race.

Sure! Steel Runner!

Okay now they’ll start racing.


And if you pick the right guy then you get some fair points.

I feel like, as with any fair game, this game is rigged.

Whoa. Green Ambler won. Followed by GI Jogger. Catalack. Aaaand Steel Runner.

Holy crap, Steel Runner. You are so the last.

And you can try again if you want to.

I’m going to try again because I’m going to see if this game is rigged. So if Green Ambler won last time, I’m going to guess Green Ambler this time and let’s see what happens. Also, how is the cat not winning? It’s got four legs.

They do this all day, okay, sometimes they get tired.

That cat is winning! [Shoelaces], I should’ve guessed the cat. Green Ambler’s second. Steel Runner is ... oh Steel Runner is second! Okay, whoever that guy is, GI Joe, GI Jane … it’s odd that these fair games didn’t cost anything. Do I have money to buy something? Should I be buying weapons yet?

No. Okay, so what you do here matters for later in the game. So every person, every game you play is going to become a witness in your trial.

Oh, I’m going to get tried later?


Okay …

So … yeah. Just beware when you start talking to people and yeah.

So don’t be myself? Because I want people on my side? Wait, what’s happening?

Yeah, you don’t have a whole lot of money to buy anything.

What’s this guy? Oh, same thing. What’s this guy?? “Press the A button while facing the bell. Judge your distance carefully and press the A button again.” What? What is this for?

You want to hit it as far back as possible so you can ring the bell.

I rang the bell!

No, you didn’t. Otherwise he’d reward you a point.

Oh … Do I just keep doing this?

You don’t have to.

Oh, come on! It’s getting up there. That’s what she said. Ha-HA! I did it! “Impressive!” Take that, Thor! 

“This kingdom has been through a lot, like the war against Magus 400 hundred years ago. Thank goodness things are so peaceful now.” You, green-haired lady, just jinxed yourself! Okay, what else am I supposed to do at this fair?

You have only reached one of – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven areas.

What do you mean “one of”? Where are all the other ones?

In the tent there, there’s a creepy-[aspirin] tent of horrors.

Who’s this dismembered head and body? Not head and body … Head and hand. Oh that’s a terrifying clown. Okaaaay. I don’t want to pay anything! Cancel! Not worth my time.

If you reached the 80 point one and win the game, you could win a clone of yourself!

Why would I want a clone of myself? I don’t even like myself all that often.

Thank you!

For the record, I sped up. Hey, I think that’s Mando.

No, that’s not.

Really? I just hit someone!

She’s the one everyone thinks I look like.

I just ran into her! I’m sorry. We both just bailed completely. “I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Uh oh, my pendant!” I feel like she ran into me when she saw me at the top of the stairs. Should I be talking to her about this pendant? Will she let me talk to her? “Oh no! Don’t tell me I lost it!”

Oh, you did the good thing there.

What? I talked to her?


“Oh no! Don’t tell me I lost it!” Does she have a like brain—

Because if you go grab the pendant first, then they accuse you of stealing from her.

Ohhh. Where is the pendant? Oh, it’s right there. “Oh thank goodness! My pendant! It has a lot of sentimental value! May I have it back?” Uhh yeah. Why would I want to keep it? “I came to see the festival. You live in this town, don’t you? I feel a little out of place here. Would you mind if I walked around with you for a while?” So I got a clingy [barnacle]! “You’re a true gentleman.” She is cah-razy! She’s insane. She’s just jumping up and down. Like David Tennant.

“Oh, by the way, my name is … errr dot dot dot.” Oh, I know what her name is ... Drewie! “… Drewie! And you’re … Aimee? What a nice name! Pleased to meet you! Now lead on!” She’s crazy! Ohhh nooo … Who are you people? I hate fairs. “Say, do you know the latest gossip?” No. “Just between us! I heard that king is distressed over his tomboy of a daughter. Just once I’d like to see how wild she really is!” That sounds sexual. Okay. What’s happening …

Do that one! Talk to that guy!

“It’s a soda guzzling contest! Press the A as fast as you can!” Okay. “Ready, set, GO!” I’m guzzling soda. I’m breaking my teeth. “Only five cans? That’s the best you can do?” Well …

By the way, those cans are totally not soda. If you get my drift.

Is it bull urine? “You’re awfully competitive, aren’t you Aimee?” I wanna do it again! “Press A as fast as you can. Ready, set, go!”

Whoa, you got that one up fast.

That’s what she said! “Only six cans? That’s the best –“ You’re an asshole. I’m going to get sick doing this. Come on … fastest fingers in the west. Nope. Only six cans. Yes, that’s the best I can do. And yeah, I’m competitive, Drewie … Who are you? “Waaa! Where’s my cat?” She brought her cat to public! People do it! Am I supposed to be looking for her cat?

No, go to the top right corner. You’re going to appreciate that part of the fair.

Top right corner, eh? Is this where I meet a handsome gentleman or … naked people? This is creepy. This is really creepy. A couple of women on stage dancing?

One’s a man.

I’m uncomfortable. They should have an adult only sign or something. Hey, I found a cat! Yeah, I know, I’m trying to take you cat. Did I just take the cat?


Because it just kind of disappeared. Like I magically killed it or something. “Waaa where’s my cat!” I’m giving you your damn cat.

Oh maybe you didn’t.

Oh, stupid friggin’ cat. This is what you get for being a helpful person.

Go up to the top left, anyways. You need some battle practice.

What is this guy?

This is Gato.

Gato? Isn’t that Spanish for “cat”? “They call me Gato. I have got metal joints. Beat me up and earn 15 silver points.” That is not a great song, Gato. How do I kill people?

It’s turn-based again, so …

Ohhh. Well this is embarrassing. Oh.

You only have attack, so just keep using your attack. And it’s the same thing – you learn the rhythm, so if you press A at a certain time, you’ll get a double shot.


And if you press A at a certain time, you’ll block.

Right. Turn-based. What’s happening? Why is this guy singing? “Got 10 experience points!” She jumps really high when she’s happy. I don’t really know what happened, but okay! This man is weird. “I lost, you won, here’s 15 points. Now wasn’t that fun?” You’re a sad, sad thing.

Okay, you should probably leave and come back until you level up at least once.

Oookaaay … Oh, do I have to hear him sing this song every time?

Every time!

[Shipyards]. Well, maybe I’m not very skilled at this. I had to use tonic on Gato and that’s just who I am. Why is this guy still singing? Let me out of this creepy karaoke!

Okay, go down first and on that table, you’ll see that weird-coloured thing. Eat that.

“Yum! Tastes like chicken!” That’s weird. It looks like a pile of pink ash. Also, the cat! “You’re such a pig, Aimee.” Wow, she’s a sweetheart, isn’t she? Old man, get out of my way! Did I get the cat, yet? Okay, what am I doing now?

You should do Gato a few more times.


Stop [beaching]!

But I have to hear him sing every time!

It’s a video game, man! It’s all about the grinding.

I don’t like grinding! And you can quote me on that, future Amy! I don’t like grinding. Am I doing this right?


Okay … I just keep on pressing A, is that it?

Yup. Until you get to tech, you’ve really got nothing else to do.

I got ten experience points! And a tech point! And I have to hear him sing again! With his weird outie belly button that’s actually a punching mechanism.

It’s not like he’s an actual human being with a belly button. 

How do I pause?

You don’t. You should check your phone to make sure it’s still recording.

Yup, it is. It’s at 28 minutes.

It’s at 28 minutes and you haven’t even started the game?

Yup. This is how I roll! My leg is so asleep! Yaaay she’s jumping up and down again.

She does that after every battle, get used to it.

It’s really annoying. I should probably pause my—

[Time passes.]

A true friend grinds for her friends, future Amy. Because you went out to change the parking of your car and you came back to find your friend had done a bunch of grinding for you! This damn cat.

Just click it once, not twice.

I did click it once.

Okay now leave. There you go.

Ohhhh. I got it.

Last time you hid it in a sack or something.

Oh gosh. Come on, cat. Stupid cat. It keeps getting stuck on the stairs. Come on, you stupid cat!

Walls are difficult things to traverse around.

It’s a cat! Cats are supposed to be agile! Out of my way, woman. Oh my GOSH, these people are so cramping my style! I can’t even [flunking] talk to these people. “You brought back my cat! Thank you!” “You’re so sweet, Aimee!” Thanks, Drewie. And the cat is now sitting among a bunch of blue watermelons. Now what? 

See if you can get up to the top part.

Hello sirs. “They’re still setting up! Why don’t you come back in a while.” Ermehgersh.

Oh, you have to go down that’s why.

Down where?

I think you have to talk to Melchior.


The weird looking dude to your right.

Mr. Weapons? “Buy something from Melchior the swordsmith?” Sure. What am I buying?

Can you buy something?

I don’t know.

Press the confirm button.


Probably. Oh yeah! You can! Buy it.

The iron blade?

Yup. Okay, B.

B, B. “I live on the continent to the east. Come see me sometime!” Okay, weird old man. Thanks for propositioning me. “By the way dot dot dot could you talk that young lady into selling her pendant?” Do I want to talk that young lady into selling her pendant?

Do you?

No, it’s sentimental!

It’s another test for you.

That’s rude. “They’re still setting up!” Oh my gash.

Talk to that dude in the tent there.

“You have 91 silver coins.”

Definitely not him.

“Want to exchange 10 silver—“


Oh. Umm …

Try that old man.

Why are there so many randos that I have to talk to? “No time to talk! I’m just sitting down for lunch!” You have been pacing back and forth for the entire time I’ve been doing this, sir. You weirdo! This person? “Keep going if you blah blah.” No! Should I go into that weird tent?


Should I …

You must have to do something in the main part. Okay, there’s a person sitting on the well there.

Uh-huh. Mr. Emo Kid? “I hear Mando and her dad have made another crazy invention! Hope it doesn’t blow up like all the others! They ought to be ready now.”

There you go.

So I had to talk to this random person? “Hold your horses! I want to get some candy!” You. Little. [Bugle].

Hey, you actually went over with her! I always pull her away.

I … I … I’m not allowed. “Just give me a second!”

Oh, there you go you tried to pull away.

Now what? What are we doing?

She’s picking her candy. Have patience. 

“Aimee! Where have you been? No one wants to try the teleport. How about you?”

“It looks like fun!” Drewie talking. “I’ll watch while you try it out.” It’s very much like The Prestige.

Except for way before.

Yeah, but this one doesn’t have David Bowie. So really, which one’s better? “All system’s on!” Noises. “Begin energy transfer!” “Oh wow, that was great! You didn’t die!” That’s it? Are we talking to people? “It worked?! I can’t believe it!” He sounds confident in his abilities. “Uh err a thrilling display of science at the best, ladies and gentlemen!”

“Hey Aimee, how did you pick up a cutie like her?” Whoa! Her arms just got really long! “Hang on, Aimee, I’ll be right there.”

Drewie steps onto the machine. “Don’t go away! I’ll be right back!” “You sure about this? There’s still time to change your mind!” “No way! Throw the switch!” Let me guess: She’s not gonna make it. “Okay everyone, let’s give her a great big hand when she reappears!” This is a lot of setting up for her to reappear. “All systems on!” The sound sounds like a sonic screwdriver. “Something’s going wrong. My pendant it’s …” “Huh? Huh?” Oh my goodness. Something is happening. Things are being electrocuted. There’s a wormhole. She’s goooone. This is sooo shocking. She’s in the weird wormhole situation! It’s all very ominous! “Mando, where is she?” “Show’s over, folks!” There were three people watching and one I think is blind because he just walked into a wall. Is he hammering that thing?


This is not a safe machine if it needs to be hammered to flip the switch.

This is 1000 A.D.

Well, figure it out, Taban. “We did iiiiit.” “Wormhole!” “Energy transfer!” “I’ll follow you after I know what went wrong. Good luck, Aimee.” Oh look, there are things. Gremlins? Blue gremlins? Blue imp!

Exciting music change! Like an ‘80s laser tag arena. I just turned all the blue imps into weird red clouds of dust. And I found gold!

You stripped their corpses.

Note to you kids out there: If you kill some imps, you might get gold. This is a lesson we all need to learn.

Hey look, a ladder! Hey look, a bridge! Hey look, blue imps being carried in by blue eagles! Kill them! Get the gold! So I break through a wormhole and I travel to another area in space and time or whatever – another realm. I find a bunch of blue imps and my first reaction is to become a genocidal murderer?

They started hurting you first.

Yeah, but, it’s a lot of murdering right out of the gate. And now I’m stealing their tonic. Although, I really doubt these people and their understanding of security because they just leave these treasure boxes all over their land filled with [sheep].

Press Y. Or X. Go to items. Okay, uh yeah, you have to go back to equip so press B.

Okay, is that it?


I now have a power glove! Which is what I imagine Michael Jackson called that sparkly glove he wore. Hey look, a weird green hedgehog.

Is this going too slow for you?

Nahhh, it’s fine. I can eat my chips and then I can kill an imp. And then I can go over his cold corpse. I wonder if this is what Khan meant when he told them he’d walk over their cold corpses in Star Trek Into Darkness.


Don’t worry about it. It’s a quote that I understand in my head … This looks kind of like my world. Should I go to the Truce Inn? Why are these people walking in place?

Because when people are stationary, it’s weird.

Is it?

Yeah, because of the pixelation it looks like they blend into the background at times.

Oh. What is this flaming beer thing? “What a relief! They finally found Queen Leene wandering around in the mountains. She must be glad to be home!” O-M-G, is that who what’s her face is?

I’m losing interest in this story. Oh look, a new person. “I’m Toma the Explorer.” A little different than Dora. “If you’re buying, I’ll tell you a story!” Do I want to buy this story from him?

It’s your gold.


Once again, in Japan, it’s not cider he’s ordering.

What’s he ordering in Japan? Sake?


Drugs? Starfish testicles?


Yeah? Is that what cider is in Japan? Starfish testicles? Pulverized starfish testicles? “I’d like a foaming glass of starfish gonads, please.” This guy was useless! You could’ve told me that, friend. It smells like bacon. Ooh, a mysterious force is sealing this random box in a bedroom that has three beds. This is a creepy hostel! It really smells like bacon.

That’s because I’m cooking bacon!

I thought it was the game. An added bonus.

Olfactory expulsions.

“You’re going to fight Magus’s army? Wonderful!” Do I want to buy weapons?

No. You don’t have much money.

Hey look! Weird gross things. Hey that one guy is no longer a blue imp – he’s a green imp!

You’ve gone up in level.

That was rude. Did he just spit at me?

He threw a rock at you!

Oh, it was a rock.

You thought the rock being thrown at you was rude, not the faces he’s making?

No, who cares about that. But if he starts flicking my face, we’re going to have a problem.

But he’s so pretty.

That’s a weird face. Grow up, man! Why does he keep throwing rock at me?

Because you just came at him with a sword.

Yeah, but according to you they started it so I’m allowed to kill all these things in this world.

If you’re not going to fight things, why are you gaming?

I don’t know! Because someone said I should start this blog! Is that the pendant? What is it? Where is it? There it is. Power tab! Is that like an energy drink?

Okay now they are weird acrobats who are … riding? What are they doing? What’s over here? In this weird dark corner? What’s over here in this weird dark corner? Oh look! Something in the bushes! Oh my goodness! Running! Oh my gosh, these weird acrobatic imps! That was rude. This is all very rude! I think I died. I’m lying on the ground.

[Foooooollicles]. You didn’t save.

Oh-ho-ho-kay, I think that’s the end of Chrono Trigger.

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